Verbal Aikido: Use Empathy to end Conflicts

Last Updated on May 30, 2016 by Patrick

Verbal Aikido is a style of transformation and resolution of conflicts involving the treatment of the “attacker” as a partner and not as an adversary. This style may seem very counter-intuitive at first, but protecting yourself and the others is essential to maintaining balanced relationships. The words of the founder are the ones that tell us that “trying to dominate, you’ve already lost”. What is more surprising is the effect using the empathy has in disarming verbal attacks and achieving a positive result within an emotional exchange.

If you’re familiar with Aikido, you are probably already familiar with the philosophy that this noble style of martial arts illustrates. Aikido philosophy illustrates that, regardless of the challenge we face in life, we can overcome it by accepting, mixing and redirecting the energy, whatever form it takes.

In peace education training, this method consists in three simple steps. Thus, this philosophy will be more easily understood and applied in everyday life.

• Receive the attack with an inner smile.
• Accompany and mix with the attacker using Verbal Irimi (the Entry – the second central pillar of Aikido) to destabilizing conflict.
• Propose a pertinent Aiki (an energetic balance).

Through the methods and the exercises explored in the training of the Verbal Aikido, the student develops a sense of self control and an assertive communication style. If you want to try this method, here are a few pointers that can lead you in the right direction:

• Do not worry when you are caught in an exchange of inflammatory responses. Try to do everything possible to re-center yourself when you realize that you have lost your inner calm.
• Never try to dominate a situation or to know “victory”. Your intention should be to restore harmony – at least inner harmony – before continuing.
• Do not take anything personally from what the other person says to you – consider the possibility that what all are said to you to be just a mental projection of your partner.
• Do not forget to be honest when you’re trying to understand the position in which the other is (Irimi).
• Never add more energy to the conflict.

Another very important aspect of the Verbal Aikido is the art of active listening:

1. Listen to understand, not to gain a tactical advantage.

Give up being defensive. Relax. Use the this opportunity to emanate confidence and receive the information that you are offered. If you try to win the war at the expense of the other, watch out! You will probably lose the battle, the war and the trust of the other person with whom you communicate.

2. Listen in order to fully understand what the person you communicate with, has to say.

3. Listen and ask yourself the following questions in your mind:

• What is the purpose?
• Are these issues consistent with each other? Why or why not?
• Does it make sense?
• Is there real evidence that can support these assertions?
• Is my ego preventing me to understand?
• Is what’s said real facts or assumptions?
• How useful or applicable is this statement?

4. Do not interrupt communication.

When talking to another person, whether what he or she says makes sense or not, let him or her finish what he/she has to say. Listen!

5. Try to redirect communication to solve problems.

In this case it is necessary to approach the problem in a positive and constructive manner.

6. Affirm your own your opinions.

Be honest and direct, but not arrogant. If there is a middle way, suggest that possibility.

7. Encourage continuing the communication.

We are each of us Aikido students and the main master is life.